Sometimes when we don’t have the answers we can be consumed by the fear of not knowing.
Confusion sets in after a significant length of time. A time of Unnecessary traumatic events occurring on an going basis. And for no apparent reason.
I began to question my own actions
Even though he repeatedly admitted to self sabotaging any relationship that neared commitment.
Confusion is the darkest place where the mind leaves no stone unturned.
It’s a place I’m trying to get out of.
A place I’ve been alone in for far too long.
Confusion will give you faith
And faith will keep you stuck for far too long!
Then there are the questions
Why can’t he just be happy?
Why can’t he “just be” in the moment?
Why is he always searching for the next “fix”?
Why does he scream at me
Why does he scar me with words
Words that make me feel I need to protect myself
Protect myself from my protector
You begin to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.
You begin to shy away from leaving the house.
You begin to sleep a little longer.
You stay awake at night searching for answers.
There were days when I dreaded him walking in the door.
What would be the “dark doom” of the day today?
What would he be unhappy with?
What was not enough?
Maybe it’s me…
Maybe I’m no longer his light that led him out of the darkness.
Maybe I’m not pretty enough
Maybe I need to hit the gym more
Or maybe the same light that drew him to me would cast a light on all that is hidden.
The things he needed to see
The darkness he needed to face
Every time he came back we were both damaged a little more
I became angry
He had taught me well
He became more closed off
The hot and cold
Here and gone
Near and far was exhausting
My weight dropped
My friends fled
My heart became a wall surrounded by swords
I became a woman I no longer recognized
He hadn’t failed me
I had failed myself
And then one of us closed up completely
There was no getting in
No returning to the beautiful love story
The Picasso painting
The laughing, teasing, passion, fighting, fleeting, eagerness to make up in order to break up.
Maybe our story needed to end
Or maybe it needed to be torn down to be built again
He was my safe place
The man I craved
The only man I desired
The man I wanted to care for
The man I loved
I had fallen in love with his boyish charm
I loved that he broke me out of my shell
I loved the social side of him
The side I had buried of myself
Tears water the soul
I was “soul building”
Every time I took him back
But the last time was different
I repeatedly asked him why?
He had been gone too long
Still showing up
He wouldn’t look at me
Money? Drugs? Women?
My mind was going in circles
Ruminating thoughts for months
But then messages came in and my heart sank with each one
There was no name
There were only fake accounts
And things that no one else would know.
Why would anyone laugh at another’s pain?
I felt defeated
I wanted answers
I needed protection
He told me I was crazy
Maybe I am
I began questioning my own thoughts
My days became shorter
Then shorter again
He said he wanted to “try”
But the word effort escaped his actions
He dragged his feet and my self esteem dropped with each day of inaction
I began craving a new story
A love story that allowed levity, joy and laughter!
The kind of connection he wouldn’t allow.
A story of two people who would protect a partnership at all costs
Two people who were free to be themselves
Supporting one another while freely being themselves.
He couldn’t see this
Not with me
He could only see blame and shame
Inaction and reaction
He only saw the past
Refusing to see a future
He refused to show his shadow side
The side he buried
The side she tried to show him when they first met
He began blaming me for him not being himself
I prayed he would have an awakening
For a year I prayed
A dark night of the soul
I prayed he would awaken
He was an honorable man
Surrounded by dishonorable people
I prayed he would wake up
His new found strength
Being the man he is meant to be
With the woman he loves 💗💗