It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What gives me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly” or is it “selfishly” with expectations?
I’ve found that those who give with expectations cause themselves and others more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes the receiver feel guilty. they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the act of kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships. A HUGE WEDGE OF BLAME AND SHAME!
Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. Since I give as a caregiver and lover by
Those who know how to give, release the need to control what they get for giving!
Unfortunately unless someone has “done their work”, human nature kicks in and dictates the “what’s in it for me attitude”. Sad but true! This blocks the Universe from giving us our true hearts desire! This also ALWAYS guilts the receiver!
Funny, I had never heard the scenario of “guilt and shame” until this person said it to me VERY early on in our friendship. I now know that he was who taught me what guilt shame and blame is. Again, I’m grateful for these lessons.
Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to, and then ask for things directly when you want them. If you aren’t doing this, you are using manipulation tactics. And many of us will see that from a mile away!