Unhealthy Attachment Styles: Recognizing, Understanding, and Healing
Throughout my life, I’ve encountered many relationships~whether romantic, friendly, or professional that were marked by unhealthy attachment styles. These behaviors have left me feeling drained, unsupported, and misunderstood. But the truth is, these unhealthy patterns are not just limited to others~they are reflections of internal struggles within myself as well. As my great teacher, Helen from Sweden, used to say, “Wherever someone demonstrates darkness, we mirror that elsewhere with someone else.”
This realization struck me deeply: in many family dynamics, love is unconditional yet not always understanding. Even where love exists, support can be selective, especially for those who refuse to stay silent. As a whistleblower, I’ve learned that speaking the truth can unsettle others; honesty can sound like rebellion to those who fear what it reveals. Yet even when truth creates distance, I choose to keep my heart open~to love without surrendering my voice, and to stand in integrity even when standing alone.
As a “25 in the Gene Keys”, I am meant in this lifetime to serve as a Master teacher and healer of Unconditional Love. Meaning, my purpose in life is to teach others how to love in a healthy way~unconditionally but without unhealthy attachments. In fact, “the vessel of unconditional love”, is one of the rarest numbers to hold in the Gene Keys movement. But how can you truly give love without becoming entangled in unhealthy attachments?
In this blog post, we’ll dive into the concept of unhealthy attachment styles, explore some common examples, and provide actionable steps you can take to heal these attachments and start creating more balanced, loving relationships.
What Are Unhealthy Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of behavior that form based on how we bond with others, especially in our early childhood years. These attachment behaviors often extend into our adult relationships, influencing how we interact with loved ones, friends, and colleagues.
Unhealthy attachment styles can manifest in various ways and can negatively affect your relationships. These patterns often arise when there is an emotional imbalance, such as giving more than you receive, placing unrealistic expectations on others, or avoiding intimacy altogether.
Here are some key examples of unhealthy attachment styles that I’ve encountered in my own life:
6 Examples of Unhealthy Attachment Styles
1. Giving with the Expectation of Receiving in Return
One of the most common unhealthy attachment styles is when we give to others with the underlying expectation that we’ll receive something in return~whether it's love, validation, or attention. This creates an imbalanced dynamic where love becomes transactional, and the pure joy of giving is overshadowed by unmet expectations.
2. Creating a Fantasy in Your Head That Doesn’t Exist in Reality
Often, we might project an idealized version of someone or a relationship in our minds, especially with colleagues or new friends. We may see potential that isn’t really there or overestimate the importance of a relationship, which only leads to disappointment when reality doesn’t match the fantasy.
3. Clinging to Relationships Out of Fear of Abandonment
If you find yourself holding on to relationships that aren’t healthy because you fear being alone or abandoned, this is a sign of an unhealthy attachment style. You may be tolerating bad behavior just to avoid the pain of letting go, which only prolongs the cycle of unfulfilling relationships.
4. Constantly Seeking Validation from Others
Some people have an overwhelming need for validation in every aspect of their lives, whether it’s in romantic relationships or at work. This can lead to a lack of self-esteem, as the person becomes dependent on external sources of affirmation instead of nurturing their inner confidence.
5. Over-Giving and Neglecting Your Own Needs
In some relationships, you may give and give, neglecting your own emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Over time, this can lead to burnout and resentment. Healthy relationships involve mutual give-and-take, not one-sided sacrifice.
6. Avoiding Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy
Some individuals create emotional distance out of fear of getting hurt. They may avoid deep connections, preferring to keep things superficial. While this may offer temporary protection, it prevents the growth of meaningful, fulfilling relationships.
10 Steps to Heal and Break Free from Unhealthy Attachment Styles
If you’ve recognized these patterns in your own relationships, don't worry~there’s hope. You can break free from unhealthy attachment styles and build healthier, more balanced connections. Here are 10 actionable steps to start the healing process:
1. Acknowledge Your Attachment Style
The first step in healing is awareness. Take time to reflect on your past relationships and identify which unhealthy attachment patterns you’ve experienced. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you process your thoughts and gain insight into your behaviors.
2. Set Boundaries
Healthy relationships are built on respect, and boundaries are a critical part of that. Learn to set clear and firm boundaries, whether it’s about your time, emotional energy, or physical space. Boundaries help prevent unhealthy attachment behaviors from forming in the first place.
Learn more about Attachment theory and relationships.
3. Practice Self-Love and Self-Care
When you cultivate self-love and prioritize your own well-being, you are less likely to engage in unhealthy attachment behaviors. Take time for self-care, whether that’s through meditation, exercise, hobbies, or simply resting.
4. Shift from Expectations to Gratitude
Instead of expecting something in return when you give, try focusing on gratitude for the act itself. This will help remove the transactional nature of relationships and foster healthier connections.
5. Let Go of Fantasy and Embrace Reality
Stop idealizing people and relationships. Accept people for who they are, not who you wish they would be. This means letting go of the fantasy of what a relationship could be and embracing the reality of what it is.
6. Work on Building Emotional Intimacy
If you tend to avoid vulnerability, practice opening up to people you trust. Start small, share something personal with a friend, and gradually work on building deeper emotional intimacy in your relationships. Remember, never expect anything in return when you give of yourself. This expectation will leave you feeling drained and disappointed when others fail to live up to your perceived expectations of them.
7. Communicate Openly and Honestly
Clear, honest communication is essential in any relationship. Express your needs, desires, and feelings without fear of judgment or rejection. Open communication helps prevent misunderstandings and unhealthy attachments.
8. Address Your Fear of Abandonment
If you have a deep-seated fear of abandonment, it’s important to address it head-on. Therapy, self-reflection, and support groups can help you process this fear and move toward healthier attachment behaviors.
9. Practice Mindfulness and Presence
Being mindful in your relationships can help you stay grounded and present. This prevents you from getting lost in fantasies or falling into old attachment patterns based on fear or insecurity.
10. Seek Professional Help if Needed
Healing from unhealthy attachment styles often requires professional guidance. Therapy or counseling can provide you with the tools you need to address deep-rooted attachment wounds and create healthier relationship patterns.
Conclusion
Unhealthy attachment styles can be deeply ingrained, but with awareness, self-love, and the right tools, it’s possible to break free and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, you are worthy of love that is balanced, reciprocal, and rooted in respect. Embrace the journey of healing, and trust that you can create the loving connections you truly deserve.
Ready to Heal Your Attachment Style?
Take the first step today by identifying your unhealthy attachment patterns and starting your healing journey. It may be challenging, but it is absolutely worth it. You have the power to transform your relationships, starting with yourself.
Learn more about my Karmic Clearing Program.
